So I guess you’re wondering what I’m actually learning and what I’m going through as of late?
In the last post, we talked about how God has showed me that I am incapable of receiving love/affection, right? Great. Let’s keep going. It’s really hard for me to receive love. I’d like to think it’s because I’m always giving it out, and don’t know how to get it back. But we’ll see.
3 sundays ago I went to Journey Church, in Franklin. It was AWESOME. It reminds me of my church back home, Crossbridge Christian Church, but more mature in their journey. I think this is what Crossbridge will look like in a few years, which is very exciting.
Anyway, when the band got on stage, I noticed a rather beautiful woman playing guitar who looked astonishingly similar to an old friend of mine. Well, the song started building more and more, and it was about time for someone to start singing. She started walking up and I thought to myself, “Crap. She’s going to have a beautiful voice.” And, what do you know, she did.
…Why is that a bad thing? Hah, this is where things get juicy and the wounds get oozy. Immediately I thought to myself, “I can’t have her.” I have this inherit fear that because I’m not perfect, not good enough, man enough, mature enough, that I’ll never have a girlfriend or spouse. I’m not sure where things went after this, but I started bawling. I flat out don’t cry, and I was bawling. The Spirit impressed on my heart that how can I receive the love of another if I can’t even receive God’s love first? How can I love, if I first haven’t been loved?
This, my friends, is my deepest wound. This is the source of all the crap that I deal with, all the way from lust to lack of self-worth/confidence. I’m incapable of receiving love. So I can’t love. At this point I’m sopping wet in tears and snot. The lady next to me was kind enough to give me a tissue so I could wipe it all off. Needless to say, I was a little embarrassed, but thankfully there were about 50 other people crying throughout the crowd. Apparently the Spirit showed up in power that day.
What do I do with this? I have no idea other than to wait on God. He’s showing me this, so he’s going to work on it. That’s what he does. Why would he show me something and not do anything?
2 Comments
Great stuff. Not tears and snot, but your post and your walk. Keep following!
You’re not the only one that has the “I Can’t Love Syndrome” as I call it. In reality, we all really can love. In being Loved by Him, we must do something with that love. What do we do with it? Something. That’s up to you.